From epic wuxia like Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon to heartrending love stories like Wong Kar-Wai's In The Mood for Love, Hong Kong has created some of the greatest films in the history of cinema.

They have also done a bunch of goofy shit like this.

The Enforcer

In the film The Enforcer, known originally by its pseudo Lifetime Original Movie title My Father Is a Hero, Jet Li plays a cop determined to bring down a crime syndicate by using a combination of kicks and punches. However, as the evil crime lords begin to target his family, Jet retaliates with an entirely different combination of kicks and punches. Towards the end of the film, Jet and his son are trapped in a warehouse, and must fight their way to freedom. As the fight rages on, Jet and MiniJet find a rope to use as a weapon, quickly escalating its use from face whipping to the most painful game of Double Dutch ever.  Soon after, Jet Li lets his martial prowess completely overwhelm his parental instincts, and ties the rope around his son to create the other kind of Chinese Bolo, flinging the child he has spent the second half of the film trying to protect directly into the faces of the enemy. Tactically speaking, this is like saving your family from a great white shark by shoving your wife in the water and hoping it chokes on her. Jet then proceeds to swing his boy-yo under and around his legs, because hey, what’s child endangerment without a little flair? This bizarre strategy works, possibly because the enemy is as confused as we are.

(the magic starts at 4:46)

Kung Fu vs. Yoga

At first glance, this 1979 film seems pretty tame, as most of it consists of fairly vanilla kung fu battles. However, the final fights in Kung Fu vs Yoga cement its place as a gem in the crown of the Dolemite Shaolin collection, and will both astound and possibly nauseate you. To defeat his attackers, contortionist and yoga master Dupar Singh bends and twists his freakishly limber body in ways that no human body should be able to tolerate. Entertaining though it may be, I can't imagine this can be employed as an effective martial art, regardless of how much Wii Fit yoga practice you can back it up with. For one thing, it's obvious Singh can't really get any force behind his blows, so it seems the only way you can knock back your enemy with one foot slung around your neck is if the choreography sheet says so. Moreover, most martial arts preach the importance of maintaining your center of balance, and when your head is directly beneath your ass, I'm fairly sure your defensive options are fairly limited. At least Dhalsim could teleport and breathe fire.

Crippled Masters

As another entry in the category of 'laughably ineffective enemies' we have Crippled Masters, in which two Kung Fu masters, one without legs and one with only tiny stubs for arms, must band together to defeat their mutual nemesis along with wave after wave of people waiting patiently to be hit in the face with a stick. Albeit understandably, the crippled masters' move lists are fairly short, so it seems a bit presumptuous to call them 'masters'. Unless they are simply masters among crippled kung fu practitioners, which is kind of like boasting that you can kick your dog's ass at Connect Four. I also think this film sends a bizarre message; while I am all for encouraging the handicapped to lead normal lives, convincing them they can single-handedly (so to speak) beat the shit out of a large group of people will only end poorly. They will likely either end up on the wrong side of a hate crime, or they'll find out that they are handicapable of being charged with assault.

The Story of Ricky

Ricky Ho Lik Wong has been sentenced to prison for manslaughter, and quickly finds out that Goodfellas lied, and prison life pretty much sucks. After defending a fellow inmate, Ricky is targeted by guards and inmates alike, and has to use his wit and charisma to defuse the situation, through the power of poetry and prayer.

Not really. He actually just fucks up a whole lot of people.

You know when your Tae Kwon Do teacher told you to 'punch through the bag'? Yeah, Ricky took that shit to heart. There is so much damn blood in this movie, the only possible explanation is that Hong Kong has a specific fake blood allotment, and this movie had to use up the rest so the blood budget wouldn't be cut the next year. In the finale of the film, Ricky faces the evil warden, who mutates into a hulking beast only to promptly meet an amazingly gory end. From the gore alone, these scenes are probably NSFW, unless you work in an abattoir.

Killer's Nocturne

Chin Siu-Ho fights a kangaroo.

Yep.

City Hunter

Last but not least is one of my personal favorites, Jackie Chan in City Hunter. Based on the manga of the same name, City Hunter tells the story of...you know what? It doesn't matter. All that matters is that Jackie is being chased around by bad guys, and he jumps around a lot and makes funny faces. At one point in the film, he is thrown into a Street Fighter II machine and electrocuted, and... well...this happens:

I love me some Ming Na, but it's a bit depressing that Hollywood has taken two swings at Chun Li, and this is still the most faithful portrayal.

To shred the last bit of your sanity, here's a dude in a graveyard fighting some cartoon turtles.

Enjoy!