With the recent success of films like Spirited Away and Ponyo, Western society’s view of anime has gone from ‘fear and confusion’ to ‘tenuous acceptance’, and as such, attendance at anime conventions has grown every year. This weekend, Anime Central will be rocking the ‘burbs of Chicago. For those attending, we here at Roboguzu feel it is our need, nay, our calling to help you not be an asshole. Here are some helpful tips for you, whether you be an old-school hardcore otaku, a new anime fan, or a telekinetic teddy bear.

  1. Bathing.

This one may seem simple, but it is the most offensive, so let’s start here. I realize you are broke, and that is why you are sleeping in the back of your Neon in the parking garage before the the start of the big ‘Evangelion for Transgenders’ slash fiction panel. However, there are still cost effective ways to keep yourself relatively clean. Say, sneak through someone else’s car wash. Cover your body in Purell. Febreze yourself. Break into someone’s room and shower. Be creative! Because if I lean past you to scope out the Haruhi wallscrolls and you smell like a dumpster behind an Indian restaurant,  I will bludgeon you with whatever replica weapon lay within reach.

 Like this.

  2. Cosplay : Rule 1 – Selection.

Cosplay is fun. It is a great way to show your love of a particular series, and one of the few ways to appear in public in a flowing purple robe and white hair without being tazed.

However.

While there is plenty of wiggle room, so to speak, you should pick a character to emulate that is at least relatively close to your own body type.  If you think you're hysterical because you are a 6’2” 35 year old man dressed as a Sailor Scout, you will find the novelty wears off pretty quickly. If your weight rivals that of a Chicago Bears defensive tackle, you probably shouldn’t dress like Felicia from Darkstalkers. Remember, visible stretch marks can be construed as a hate crime.  

The good.

The bad.

The unfunny dumbass.

3. Cosplay : Rule 2 – Props.

Many anime characters wield items of incredible size and complexity.  They can do this because they are demons, or aliens, or robots. More importantly, they can do this because they DON’T ACTUALLY FUCKING EXIST. So, when you bring Sephiroth’s 10 foot sword into the con, you’re not being faithful to the character, you’re being an asshole. Same thing goes for giant boomerangs, robot arms, and nine unwieldy tails. I realize you are trying to be authentic, and that’s great for pictures out in the courtyard. But when I’m trying to carefully squeeze through the narrow gaps between the masses to check out the doujin table and I get a Keyblade up the ass for my trouble, I find myself caring very little for the meticulous attention to detail of your outfit.

Dick. 

4. Foreign Celebrities (read: hot Asian people).

What an exciting day! The chick/guy that voices your favorite character from that new series that you torrented but never actually purchased is here! And they are so HAWWWT!! Good. Fantastic. Nobody loves a good ol’ hot Asian chick more than yours truly. But there are some things you need to know. For instance, don’t get all gushy and start a 20 minute rant about how their character changed your life. Keep it short, get your photo and/or autograph, and move along. Don’t think you can cut in line just because you have breasts/muscles/both. And keep in mind, your Japanese idol may not speak English very well. Be courteous, especially if they are using a translator. And don’t try to bust out the half a semester’s worth of Japanese you know, because they won’t really give a shit that you can say ‘Ogenki desu ka?’ since you won’t understand their answer anyway.  Oh, and don’t lick them. They hate that. Must be a cultural thing.

Also, don't feed them after midnight.

  5. Glomping.

If you already know what Glomping is, you should know that its time has come and gone. Back in ‘the day’,  anime convention-goers were more of a tightly knit group, social pariahs that shared a common bond. But now, in the wake of the popularity of Sailor Moon, Pokémon, and Naruto, anime has attained a broader appeal, and therefore a wider and more diverse audience. Randomly jumping on people is just not socially acceptable. If you attempt to glomp someone, expect a hip-toss and a broken clavicle.

This can only end poorly.

  6. The Hentai Room.

Look, hentai is awesome. There are some things in life better said with a penis-tipped tentacle than a bouquet of roses. However, once you sit down in the movie room, it can be a bit awkward.  Sure, you’re surrounded by like minds, but it’s better to not bring it up. Let’s face it, you’re a bunch of adults sitting in a dark room watching cartoons fuck each other. There’s really no way to spin that in a good light. So, it’s best to just not directly address it. Just keep quiet, keep your hands to yourself, and slink out when you’ve had your fill. It’s a situation similar to when a Lady Gaga song comes on the radio in a car full of guys. Nobody changes it, everyone knows everyone else likes it, but they just sit there motionless and sing along in their heads until someone brings up hockey.

This is not to be confused with Hentai Discussion Panels, in which whooping and hollering is recommended, and encouraged.

It's cool, it's only pop.

  7. Calm the Fuck Down.

It’s fun to be the anime fan in your group. You embrace that special kind of ‘weirdness’ you exude. You dress a little goofy, you pepper your conversations with words like ‘kawaii’ and ‘sugoi ne’, you can rant for hours about why subs are infinitely superior to dubs. And you become particularly animated (pun not intended) when discussing your favorite J-Pop stars. Fine. Embrace the attention that garners you when at school, or funerals, or Applebee’s, or whatever. But at an anime convention, you are no longer a unique and beautiful snowflake. You are surrounded by people who grew up on Robotech and still have the VCR fansubs of Tenchi Muyo they bought in Chinatown fifteen years ago. You have no power here. Besides, that series you really like sucks anyway. So, for the duration of the convention, just act like a normal goddamn person. Then, when you return to the normality of everyday life, you can be quirky again.

Anime conventions are a special breed of convention. There are ‘convention floor hours’, to be sure, but with the video rooms, dances, masquerades, contests, panels, etc., it is a 24 hour event, lasting several days. Remember to pace yourself, drink lots of water, and try your hardest to not be an asshole.

Ganbatte kudasai!