Hello boys and girls, and welcome to our first installment of Drunken Walkthrough.

Indeed, there are an abundance of walkthroughs available on the web, but we here at Roboguzu understand that many gamers like to enjoy a tasty beverage or nine while they play, and feel most game assistance articles fail to take this into account. Hence, the Drunken Walkthrough. Today we will be taking you completely through Mass Effect 2. As you play a renegade space captain, our liquor of choice today will be Captain Morgan, mixed with a little diet cola, and a slice of lime to prevent scurvy. Space scurvy. Let’s begin.

After a bit of a cutscene, Mass Effect 2 begins two years after the events of the first game. You awaken on a strange ship, seemingly under attack. After arming yourself with a pistol, you leave through the open door. Luckily, like all sci-fi games, the attackers were kind enough to blast just enough rubble so you only had one path to walk through, which is nice. It is a very big ship, you don’t want to have to look at a map or something. You will eventually meet up with Jacob, the first person to join your squad. He asks for your assistance, as he is under attack by hacked security droids with horrible aim. Luckily, while you decide between your possible responses (“Let’s kick ass!” or “You’re on your own, brown sugar”), he will stare at you blankly, indefinitely, while lasers zip past his face. This will give you plenty of time to refill your beverage.

Patience.

After killing the security droids, you will move through some more hallways, until there is some dude dying on the floor. This is the first true example of Mass Effect 2’s morality system, in which you can choose to be a ‘Paragon’ or a ‘Dick’. You then meet up with a guy who acts and talks like a bad guy. Three minutes later he turns out to be a bad guy. The only option on your conversation wheel is ‘No shit’. This is the point at which you meet Miranda, a part of the Cerberus corporation, whose clothes are so ridiculously tight you are fairly sure that if you spin the camera just right, you can see her wedgie peeking out the back of her throat.

You proceed to follow her gently bouncing ass to the escape shuttle, where she then takes you to meet Martin Sheen. Mr. Sheen, who is fairly obviously a Replicant, gives you a mission to go to Tattooine and save Uncle Owen. Or something. I can’t really tell, the text is getting a little fuzzy.

After arriving on Planet Whatever, your squad consisting of yourself, Taye Diggs and Tightpants von Booberton make their way through the colony, fighting the Covenant the whole way. Tali, your squad buddy from the first game, awaits you in a barricaded room. Since you have turned up alive after two years of her thinking you dead, she is completely amazed, for about thirteen seconds. She then asks you to help one of her weird mask wearing friends. You make some comment to Jacob about how you aren’t sure if you’ll know which one is which, since they ‘all look alike’. You chuckle. Jacob is not amused.

After saving the guy in the paintball mask, you refill your drink. Realizing you are now out of cola, you decide to use Nesquik. The thought briefly occurs to you that this probably isn’t right, but it tastes awesome, so fuck it. While you were gone on your tutorial mission, Charlie Sheen built you a new ship that looks exactly like your old ship, but with better gas mileage and HD Radio. Space HD Radio. Apparently, there is an angry alien race that is abducting human races at the edge of the universe, and you have been tasked with building a squad to go on a suicide mission to save humanity. Time is of the essence. Although, nobody seems to care when you spend the first 45 minutes on the ship attempting to seduce your assistant. Her name is Kelly. She is pretty.

The first Mass Effect endured a little light-hearted ribbing about the brutally long elevator rides on the Normandy, which were meant to mask the long load times between levels on the ship. This time around, Bioware just went with a good old fashioned load screen. It consists of an animated schematic of the Normandy, which is actually still kind of interesting even after the first two hundred god damn times you see it. You realize that this creates opportune times to get another drink. After exploring the ship, it is time to hit the town, galactically speaking. But where to go? After your last meeting, Martin Estevez gave you dossiers on various great warriors and brilliant scientists spread throughout the universe. They must be recruited into your crew, so you can be strong enough to face the greatest threat your universe has ever known. But then you remember that in the first game there was a space hooker on the Citadel, so you go there first.

After arriving on the Citadel, you meet up with Councilman Keith David, who informs us that the Citadel is still under construction, so there are only a few areas open, none of which contain the Consort. You gently suggest that is some straight up bullshit, and you bounce.

More like Shitadel, am I right?

              Kelly is being coy. After a little light flirting, she just keeps repeating the same thing over and over again. Obviously, she is playing hard to get. Space hard to get. A quick look at the Galaxy Map tells us that there is a nearby spaceport called Omega Mu that has some people we need to recruit on it. We end up going there, because it is the closest, and if you use up all your gas flying around space, the vaguely sexy AI yells at you for ‘hot-dogging around’ and makes you spend some of your ore, called ‘perineum’, or something. You make another drink, which you have dubbed ‘Cocoa Libre’. In lieu of ice, you use Cap’n Crunch, and wonder if two captains in one glass will create some kind of interdrink political drama. You are no longer wearing pants.

Aftr arriving on Omega, you discuver that there is some plague or some shit. But whatevers, because there is some sweet ass nightclub_here, so you hed there first. You’re sposed to ask about some professor, but that sounds hrd, so u just spend all the Normindy’s gas money on a hot blue stripper. I think she likes me. O I mean you. You wonder if Kelly knows you are at the strip club. Less go make some more ‘Elevator Juice’ and ask her.. po a f as a a goj 5555555555555555555555555

(Editor’s note: We regret to inform you we are unable to publish the rest of the article, as the next forty-seven pages seemed to only consist of random letters and numbers. When we received it at the Roboguzu offices this morning, it was accompanied by a voice mail consisting of whimpering, and the name ‘Kelly’ screamed repeatedly. We apologize for the inconvenience.)

Why, Kelly? WHY?