"You found a big fat Roast Leg of Yak!"

That is my favorite line from one of my most beloved games ever, Illusion of Gaia for the SNES. Now most of you have probably never heard of this game. It was one of the most underrated games of its time but also one of the greatest. When I first played the game I was very young and still very new to the video game world. I didn't hear about the game in a magazine or on TV or anything of that nature. One day my sisters and I found it in a video store down the street and thought "A game with a picture of the world on it? Well that looks interesting!" That's pretty much how I rented all my games at the time. "If it has a pretty picture on it then it must be good!"

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I understand that we live in a culture in which television raises our children. We are a society of dual incomes, families scraping by paycheck to paycheck, and so it happens that sometimes the kids just get plopped in front of Nickelodeon while mommy works late and daddy weeps softly into his ketchup and gin. This is hardly a new phenomenon…perhaps I myself can only name a handful of presidents (Lincoln, Washington, Grover ‘Steamer’ Cleveland, Harriet Tubman, Bruce Springsteen, Col. Mustard, etc.), but I can name every Thundercat, Fraggle, and Care Bear, and that’s including the Cousins. As such, I can afford our friend television a certain amount of variance in degrees of quality in children's programming. For each quality show like Yo Gabba Gabba and Spongebob, there’s going to be a Caillou and Oobi. However, there is one show that I feel falls outside of these dispensations. Dora the Motherfucking Explorer.

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It should be common knowledge that I do not stay up to date on most pop culture. This would include many films, television, music, fashion, burritos, and even video games, at times. By 'at times' I mean since 1994.

As a result I have just started to watch 'Heroes', which is evidently aired on NBC - but in my world it exists on my Xbox 360 via Netflix. I had previously been told to watch it (season 1) and then not to (season 2 & 3) and then told, once again, to watch. Obviously, there was some confusion as to if it was considered safe to view - and then I realized I don't give a shit what other people think and started watching.

Allow me to pause here and offer some insight: I rarely trust the opinions of others when it comes to television and film.

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Hello boys and girls, and welcome to our first installment of Drunken Walkthrough.

Indeed, there are an abundance of walkthroughs available on the web, but we here at Roboguzu understand that many gamers like to enjoy a tasty beverage or nine while they play, and feel most game assistance articles fail to take this into account. Hence, the Drunken Walkthrough. Today we will be taking you completely through Mass Effect 2. As you play a renegade space captain, our liquor of choice today will be Captain Morgan, mixed with a little diet cola, and a slice of lime to prevent scurvy. Space scurvy. Let’s begin.

After a bit of a cutscene, Mass Effect 2 begins two years after the events of the first game. You awaken on a strange ship, seemingly under attack. After arming yourself with a pistol, you leave through the open door. Luckily, like all sci-fi games, the attackers were kind enough to blast just enough rubble so you only had one path to walk through, which is nice. It is a very big ship, you don’t want to have to look at a map or something.

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Leave it to me to jump headfirst into a violent shitstorm. This PR nightmare that Southwest airline is trying to fix is perfect Valentine's Day fodder for the Kevin Smith fans out there - many which have as many plans as the Simpson's Comic Book Guy does on this romantic weekend. The relentless tweets and twats that are being spat out in defense of Smith, who I must point out is a director I like, for the most part - are laughable. While you may think that Kevin is a voice of the silent(Bob) majority, let me right the ship for you - if Kevin Smith is a huge fatass, he should not be allowed on an airplane unless he buys two seats. Period. 

  Stop defending him. He knew he was big. He knows that this has happened to big people in the past. Maybe he is in denial. Maybe they really wanted to kick the other(fat) lady off the flight and they couldn't do that without booting the equally fat director. It doesn't matter. You want to fly the friendly skies, lose some goddamned weight. When you are called out for this fact - and it is a fact that Kevin is a large man-beast - don't bitch on Twitter to the delight of your fanboys. I am sure the joyous shrill that emanated from the basements of the world was deafening when Kevin stood up for the plumpy and dumpy of the nation last night. The interwebs of the world were more than likely bulging with unbridled fervor and the dorkgasm that splooged all over our computer screens as a result of this one man's war against the MAN is the result - and now it is a top 10 story. Thank you for eliminating my faith in all mankind - I was agnostic in my belief that we had some redeeming value left - now I am a non-believer. 

Here is the real story. Kevin Smith is not a hero. He is a fat dude who was pissed because someone told him he couldn't do something because he was too fat. What is his next trick? Trying to get on a roller coaster and tweeting his disappointment that he won't be allowed to ride? How many other things are fat people not allowed to do that normal sized to slightly overweight people can enjoy? How about an equal rights amendment to protect the right of the obese? Really...all in all I am tired of fat people complaining (or even worse, reveling in the fact) that they are fat. I am even more tired of fat people trying to make it my problem. Next stop, fat seats for Southwest airlines - bigger seats means less seats means more expensive seats. Thank you Kevin Smith; thank you for being a huge schmuck - figuratively and literally. Watch the corporations pander to your whim. If only you could have got this many people to watch Jersey Girl.